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Cleaning Out The Closet

July 19, 2019

Everything always works out for the best. And every step is a necessary step.

The past three weeks have been quite the emotional rollercoaster. I haven’t been able to write yet because that means I have to actually think about it all.

I am listening to a song named “I’m Not Alright”, so I figured instead of pretending all is well, I may as well be fully honest. I am not alright, I am so sad inside. I get mad, confused, just down. I feel weak. My body hurts. But I also try to tell myself to trust the universe. Trust the process. Trust that Alexanne is in a better place. Trust that I will become a better person because of this experience. Trust that I will be alright, my sister will, my mother will, the rest of my family. I can begin to understand what others have dealt with when losing an immediate family member.

Al really was our sister, she grew up with us, our guest room was named “Allexanne’s Room” and still to this day is referred as that.

Writing helps because it helps me to stop overthinking. I have been so confused. I have never felt so out of body before. It has felt like I have been in a bubble, and everything around me is in another dimension. I honestly can’t even explain it, a glaze over my eyes.

All I wanted to do was drink. It makes me so sad, I can’t believe it.

The ocean is so healing. I go in the ocean for multiple reasons, one mainly because it just feels good, and I get high from it. But another is when I am feeling down or overwhelmed I swear all the worries in the world get washed away with the waves.

Thank you to my friends and family who have been here for me, to make the hard times easier. It makes the world of a difference. You make the world of a difference.

Oct 18, 2019

So it’s been a few months since I first started to write this. I have a hard time anytime I try to think about it. Usually writing makes me feel better but this time it was just easier if I didn’t think about it. Although I know that’s not necessarily the best way to cope. To be honest sometimes I feel guilty for not even feeling that bad. Its just odd, it’s very odd. Sometimes I get sad but most often I am just confused. It’s really hard to wrap my mind around. Death, such a strange thing. What is it really. Yes ok I know you die, your body is no longer living. But energy is neither created or destroyed, where do you go?

Such an interesting thing. I honestly think about death everyday.

I remind myself if I only had 6 months to live what would I be doing? To be honest I don’t know. I am still figuring out my passion. And thats ok! Steve jobs said if you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. I am quite an extreme person, one day I am obsessed with one, the next day I’m obsessed with another.

January 5, 2020

Last minute we had to come to Palm Springs to deal with Allexanne and Samra’s belongings since the storage is almost up. It’s definitely pretty bizarre going through everything. It’s good because its some sort of closure, but its also quite depressing realizing this is the last of them.. thats really it. Their whole life in one little storage locker, thats all thats left. Death is a very bizzarre thing. That’s all I can think. I know I can choose how I feel, so I am often confused with how to feel. I get sad, then I remind myself I can feel better, but I am not sure if that is me avoiding grief? Or if that’s my way to deal.. I am not sure. It really gives me a sense of urgency to go live my life. We think we are guaranteed time till old age… but we are not. No one is guaranteed anything! Everyday is such a privilege. Every HOUR is such a privilege. Having Al pass has really made me consider each and every one of my choices. There is no time to waste.

What has been really odd to observe these past 2 days is that we take absolutely nothing with us to the grave. All you have in life, when you are stripped down on your deathbed are your memories. This makes me want to throw everything I own away. Live with the bare necessities and travel the world. But I also love my life, my daily routine. I love being able to put on clean, fresh, new clothes. Drive a car, train at a country club, have a drone and camera to document my travels. I remind myself that it’s ok to have all of this, its ok to want things, it’s ok to live your best life. Just don’t take anything for granted.

The only things that really mean anything are photos, good books, and maybe 1 thing that was specific and important to that person that will remind you of them. Oh and maybe some quality jewelry. I do love little jewelry from someone, because I can have them with me 24/7.

I can’t quite tell you exactly what happened because that is a mystery to us all. However, at the end of June I got a phone call at 2:30am from my Mother who was in Hungry at the time, she called to say Alexanne was in the hospital in LA, book a flight and go now. Obviously me being half asleep and young, I thought I can’t go, I have a 6am session, I can’t cancel this late! Then I realized my cousins in the hospital… everyone will understand, what was I even thinking. I went to wake up Taish and Tal, told them Al was in the hospital and it wasn’t looking good.. By 3am Taish and I had booked a flight from Bellingham to LA. I believe it left at 6:30am, and we still had to drive from Vancouver to Bellingham so we were out of the house