After Allexanne passed I was so sad inside. It was nine months of just sadness. I felt this shadow over me constantly. I remember asking the Universe to tell me what to do and I'll do it to get out of that space. It was the most painful space I had ever experienced. I cried every day, multiple times a day. I was open to healing, to growing, I kept asking "tell me what to do and I'll do it" to heal from this. The grief was unbearable. Although I recognize at that time I had resistance to those emotions because it was so difficult to let flow through me. Last nights meditation I felt the grief, although it was different. I felt sad, but I was able to watch the sadness pass through me. I experienced sadness but behind it was joy, love, and gratitude for life. Instead of denying that emotion, I recognized that I was able to observe it passing through me. I think that's what I was missing at the beginning. I didn't truly allow myself to feel what I was feeling, hence why it didn't go away. I take pride in my strength to control my emotions, although now I recognize that it is still necessary to let them pass through you, that's the difference. Now I embrace the emotion, observe it, appreciate the ability to feel, and allow it to pass. Before I had forced myself to shift my emotions, before allowing the experience to occur within me.
I don't accept the fact that things just happen. I believe there is a lesson and a purpose to them all. In an ideal world she would still be there. But the reality is that she isn't. The reality is she died young. How do I cope? I ask myself what am I supposed to learn from this? I dive into it, into the emotions, into the lessons when I am on my own journaling. It's like going in to get a sliver. It's uncomfortable and painful, but it's the only way to heal. You can't just let it live there and allow skin to grow over, otherwise there will always be a sense of discomfort and pain. Not always, but when I remember I consciously bring her up during my journaling to learn from the experience. I still cry, but it's different now. There is an underlying sense of inner peace and joy. There was a time when I simply couldn't talk about it without crying, or I would see things or hear things, be triggered and my emotions would be uncontrollable. Now I can talk about it from what feels like a powerful position. I can reflect and educate on my lessons. Everything is a practice. Your emotions are a practice. You can train yourself to better respond to situations as opposed to reacting, although it involves work. I'll choose that work any day over my emotions controlling me.
Journaling is therapy. I do it daily to empty my bucket. Most days it's just me expressing my gratitude for life, but when I need to I'll bring up certain things that make me uncomfortable that I know there is a lesson to be learned.
If you don't know where to start, just ask. Write about your day, write about what you're grateful for, write about your family, your friends, anything but just write. I used to google journal prompts. Now I have to set a timer to stop so I can carry on with my day, otherwise it is so enjoyable.
Again, it is a practice. It will get easier with time. Have the courage to dive into old traumas to truly heal from them. Then finish it off with a gratitudes list. Aim to fill one full page each time.
You can do it.
Love to you always,
Xoxox
Skybabe