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I Miss You SAM I AM

Thursday, Nov. 30th, 2017

Its crazy how real life doesn’t seem real sometimes.. One minute you’re just finishing hot yoga (duh), feeling great, laughing with the fam, and the next you get a phone call and its like the universe stops. Your aunt/mother/sister/daughter is dead. Before you can even think your on a plane to California - where the Palm Trees are. It really is the strangest feeling. You can’t explain stuff like this because the part of your brain that deals with feelings is a different part than the one that deals with language.

It really does’t feel real. Thats why the first stage of loss is denial. I just for some reason don’t believe that we lost her yet. You go through different stages of holy fucking shit, and holy fucking shit.

Life is a series of choices and thats it. You realize you have a choice to make in this moment, to go one way or another; to be strong or not to be strong - and to believe that you can be.

As unfortunate as this situation is I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. In this instance its for Al. Holy shit she is one strong girl. I genuinely believe the shitty things happen to the ones that they do because they’re the ones who can handle it. I know Allexanne can get through this because of all people that chick is fucking strong. I do believe that this needed to happen to her (for some strange reason and at this moment in time Im not sure why) but it is a necessary step in her path to get her where she is supposed to be. And I know that Samra is pulling her strings up there to help Al.

This is also another reminder to all of us that EVERYONE is going through something so just be nice. It is as simple as that.

Let me change that “everyone is growing through something”. I do believe we don’t go through something we grow through it. And if we do just go through it then stuff will keep happening until we learn to grow from it. Allexanne this morning was explaining how painful her body feels, she said “I have growing pains but I’m not growing.” I thought no, holy shit you are growing, thats exactly what it is!

For those of you still confused, my aunt Samra passed Nov.28.2017. It’s funny how you think you’re busy and have no time for anything, then something happens and all of a sudden your schedule is cleared. You have nowhere to be except to be with those whom you love. Life is a matter of priorities and thats all..

I think loss is the hardest thing to go through. I really don’t know because I have been such a blessed being, but for what I do know, I think thats the hardest.

Fuck Sam I miss you so much. You were a hell of a character and everyone loved that about you. “I am Sam I am.” Is that ever accurate. You have taught us all so much - I am at a loss of words right now. I’ve been sitting here for half an hour just thinking about the times with you. When you would put my homework under my pillow if I had a test the next day because you said it would help me remember it. All the times by the pool, or nervously sitting in the back of your car as we made our way to Arizona to visit Al, also laughing because we made it. Or the crazy times in Australia or Hawaii. I am thankful to have been able to talk to you as a friend, open up to you like I would have to any other of my friends my age, or even more because you could understand and either laugh with me or give me advice. You reminded us all to never forget about our inner child; and to live the dreams of one.

Love you so much Sam I am.

PS. Still waiting on those fingers.. would love if you could send over some gluten free vegan ones this time ;) xoxox <3

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