EDITED: Aug 12, 2020
I apologize if this comes off in any way that I am upset, I have grown through this and I don’t want to change what I wrote in the past. But I have fully let this go and have understood that it’s a necessary step in my life. I love each and every individual that went through this with me and I couldn’t be more grateful for them. We all tried our best <3
December 2, 2018
I guess I’ll just start with this is really hard for me. I have thought about writing this a million times, each time thinking I’ll be ready, and another month going by without writing it. Even just opening the computer makes tears rush to my eyes.
But now that I have actually started to write the tears stop. It reminds me of when Will Smith speaks about the time he went skydiving and how the whole time leading up to it he was so nervous although not actually in a dangerous situation, then the only moment when he was actually in danger (jumping out) was the moment he experienced pure bliss. What I am trying to get across is we overthink everything. I get so emotional when thinking about writing this, still emotional while writing it, but not nearly as bad as the anticipation.
I am obviously fearful of what people will think, how they will judge me as they read the following, then I instantly remind myself “it’s not about me.” If this is helpful for at least one person, whether it’s now or in the future, then all will be worth it.
I really don’t know where to start, but here goes.
A few Summers ago I found out I was pregnant. It’s funny how so many words rush through my head when I think about sharing this, then when it actually comes down to it it’s like my whole body is frozen. I am not even sad, I have learnt to be thankful for this experience but just the thought of it all seizes my chest, makes me quiver, closes my throat, and makes tears stream down my face. Seeing how I feel now who knows if I’ll actually share this. Often do I write something and it takes ages for me to click “Save & Publish”. That is when I remind myself that it is not about me.
Thankfully this year I have *or was, seeing an acting coach in Vancouver. It all kind of just worked out, she was my late aunts coach years ago and somehow she became mine this year. The world works in mysterious ways, but I have learnt so much from her. One example that replays in my head almost daily was when I was so nervous to speak on a panel talk with the senate. Thankfully I saw Dot (my coach) that morning. I told her how nervous I was and she said how it was actually selfish for me to be nervous. That really stuck with me. She explained that it wasn’t about me, and being nervous makes it about me. It’s about the audience and what they’re meant to hear. What they need to hear, being nervous is thinking about myself and not the audience. Which is what I think about when writing this.
Obviously it’s hella hard for me to say this all, but it’s not about me, its about the one person who has either experienced this, is currently going through it, or has yet to go through it, but it’s in their cards. I am here for that person. I am here for whomever needs it. I want to be so clear and convincing to you, whoever you are, if you’ve experienced this as well, or happen to in the future, know that I am here for you, and please don’t be shy to reach out.
I know that that is really the only thing someone needs, is someone to be there for them. I was even told during the whole thing that I need to be hugged. It just so happened that at the time I had gone to a massage therapist, although he was also an energy healer I guess.. He told me I just needed to be hugged. He could just feel how much I was hurting.
Anyways now that that’s out I’ll explain what happened.
June - The Pregnancy
^^ You’d never be able to tell hey!
There were a few things, one being that I always have to pee, and mood swings etc. Ok we all know I have the smallest bladder so that’s nothing new, but my mood swings/energy drops were quite extreme. I thought maybe I could have diabetes. I went to the clinic to get checked for diabetes but I also knew in the back of my head that my period was late, my boobs hurt, and I was extremely hormonal, so I asked for a pregnancy test.
The doctor literally just told me like it was nothing, then I realized ‘oh because for some people that could be good news!’ I tried so hard not to cry. I left the clinic and immediately called my boyfriend at the time. This was a Friday afternoon. A few minutes later I got home and told my mum. I actually couldn’t believe that this was my situation. My life has always just been so amazing I never really thought I would have these kinds of bumps in the road. I actually couldn’t comprehend that that was really my reality. The shitty news was enough, now having to actually deal with it..
The following Tuesday was the abortion appointment. I am beyond thankful to be as close to my mum as I am, luckily I felt comfortable telling her so she called the clinics since I was pretty in shock - since this isn’t really something you can sleep on. Friday to Tuesday had felt like a lifetime. It was the Canada Day long weekend, meaning most of my best friends were away, and parties… I am always the one to help people with their problems, not the one with a problem, or usually I can just deal with it on my own, but this one that wasn’t quite the case. I remember going for a walk with one of my best friends, sitting on a bench just staring at her, listening to whatever happened in her day just wishing I could open my mouth. When I said my throat tightens it’s like someones literally holding your throat as tight as possibly and you physically can’t open your mouth to speak. I actually just couldn’t talk about it, even though I wanted to so badly.
That weekend and the following couple weeks was the worst time in my life. My boyfriend at the time is one of the kindest, most thoughtful, and loving people out there. But I expected more. I expected him to be there for me 24/7, like physically with me the whole weekend. I honestly just needed to be held, and told to breathe through it. I have learned now to turn your expectation into appreciation. I was soooo upset with him, when he really was trying his best! I think we both learned a lot from this experience. I wont get into the details about the weekend because it’s not only mine to share. This is a 2 person story and right now you’re only hearing my side of it. Either way I will just say I was extremely hurt. I have never been in so much pain before, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s like even when I tried not to think about the whole thing my physical pain would just bring me back to it.
Oh Wednesday I finally told my friends, (they had all just gotten back from being away) then listening to my own words about the weekend I decided to break up with my boyfriend. I needed him so bad, he’s actually the only person I wanted a hug from through the entire thing, but I was so hurt and felt unsupported that I decided it hurt more dating him and not having him there with me than being broken up and not having him there with me, because at least in my head there was an excuse for him not being there physically with me… If that all makes sense. Keep in mind this was how I felt at the time, reflecting back on it he really did try his best. It was a first for both of us, neither of us knew what to do in that situation. It wasn’t fair to expect from him, but instead appreciate all that he had to offer. *Now all is well! I still genuinely love him as a person, he was beyond thoughtful and caring. Not to mention had a loving and supporting family so I couldn’t have asked for more!
We did get back together not too long after, so I got many hugs :) Then after a few months we mutually decided that we were better off as friends.
July - The Abortion
**These pics that I chose to share were ones that were taken during the actual time. My point is you would have no idea that I was puking that morning, or how I felt later that night. We have no idea what people are going through, so to be kind always! — The first pic (of this blog) was when I needed to distract myself and didn’t want to talk to anyone so I decided to go for a couple hour hike.. not sure what I was thinking, but nature is healing so it worked for a short while. Don’t be fooled I fully took an extra pad up with me and changed it at the top because I was bleeding way too much, sorry for the extreme amount of info but I just want to be 100% open and honest with my experience, so you have an idea of how it actually is. We literally have no idea what other people are going through, humans are pros at putting on a smile.**
Ok now I have seriously never been in so much physical pain before.
I decided to take pills (instead of surgery) because there were less physical risks. It’s a longer process but surgery has a chance of something going wrong and possibly not being able to have kids in the future which is something I’m just not willing to risk.
So Tuesday morning I took the first pill (it stops the growth)
Wednesday (24 hours later) you’re supposed to take the next pill which starts to actually kill the fetus. To be honest I kind of forget it all now, it might have been 2 days of those pills just to make sure it really broke it down. Then after that was just pain killers. And holy shit is that ever painful. All I can think about is me rocking on the floor next to my mum and sister. Nothing you can do can make the pain go away. It’s literally like someone is pulling all of your organs out, mixing them around, then pushing them back up your throat. Sorry for being so descriptive, but I just want to be honest about every aspect of it. This is one of the reasons why I am sharing this experience. BE CAREFUL. I genuinely wish no one needs to feel that if they don’t have too! It was the worst thing in the world. And it’s not just one night its weeks! I had to put alarms on in the middle of the night to wake me up to take pain killers so that I wouldn’t wake up from the pain. I’m not holding back on any of the details because I don’t want anyone to think ‘ah well I’ll just get an abortion.’ Like it’s AWFUL! If it’s in your control, like it was in mine, be more careful!! Yes it goes away, but this still stays with you for life.
They said the abortion was only supposed to last a week, maybe 10 days. But I was bleeding for 2-3 weeks, it might had even been almost 4. I’m not sure but it was a crazy long time, and painful the whole way through. I remember laying on my friends bathroom floor while they were all having pre drinks downstairs. Not wanting to call anyone because I didn’t want to ruin their night since this was my accident. But friendly reminder to use your friends for support. They’re your friends for a reason! They want to be there for you, so reach out, they can’t do much but a hug makes the world of a difference.
At this point my boyfriend and I were still broken up so that definitely wasn’t helping at all. I just wanted to talk to him..yes even though I had just broken up with him. I really just wanted him to be there with me on the bathroom floor. So yes I was so upset at the time, but then I remind myself that at least I had a loving boyfriend to have this accident with, I wasn’t raped or anything like that. So as mad as I was, I actually had it pretty good. He was coping too! Keep in mind it happens to both of you, *if you’re in a relationship - but it’s still your body, and you’re the one to feel the pain, so be cautious. Yes you go through it together, but it’s YOUR body that experiences it. Don’t leave the responsibility up to anyone else.
I also asked him to not tell his parents. Which was not fair. I was just fearful of ANYONE finding out. That is also a reason why I hesitated to tell any of my friends. It’s the West Van Bubble... And I really wasn’t in the mood to be the centre of it. I heard an old African proverb a long time ago that I remind myself often “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do you no harm.” (If you’re not from Van, well.. you can imagine how it is. Very small, everyone knows everyone. I absolutely love it will all my heart, love everyone in it, but news travels fast.)
That’s why I’m saying it all. I believe everything happens to us for a reason. And I believe that we are meant to share our experiences so that we can help others through similar experiences. Otherwise whats the point of someone suffering? At least help someone else to avoid it, or get through it! I knew at the time that I would be thankful for this experience in the future, so to tell myself to be thankful for it now. Everything is a stepping stone, a necessary step to get us to where we’re meant to be. I don’t try to tell myself that it was an enjoyable experience. It sure as hell was not, but that doesn’t mean it was a BAD experience. It was necessary for me. In some aspects I know how and why, and others I am still finding out. But things like this, and whatever you might have, or are going through, I encourage you to ask yourself what you’re meant to learn from it.
What Did I Learn from it?
Turn your expectations into appreciation.
The harder you fall the higher you bounce.
Through acting coaching I have realized that to be a good actor you need to call on emotions, and you’re a lot better of an actor if they’re real emotions instead of imagining them. So I basically see this experience as a tool in a tool box. When I need to feel those negative emotions I can call on this experience in my head so that the emotions I express are actually real because I have really been through it. (I hope that makes sense) - but also not everything needs to make sense just yet **This is if I am actually acting
You can’t connect the dots looking forwards, you can only connect the dots looking backwards. **TRUST the process
Be careful what you wish for.
Man oh man.. even my mum said ‘well, it’s not your fault but you did put it out there.’ I am so obsessed with kids and a family. I genuinely can’t wait for that stage of life. I just love kids!! Especially if they were mine! Ugh how cute. Idk I like the idea of having kids younger, (not too young!) But by 27 to have the first one at least, so that you can be friends with the kids!! So yea.. that’s why I say be careful what you wish for. Because I for sure thought about kids way too much, so makes sense I manifested one!! Now I tell myself at the right time with the right person whenever that will be - trust the universe and it’s timing.
Grow through it, don’t just go through it.
December 10, 2018
Yeaa.. I knew I wouldn’t be able to share this right away. It takes time for me to even process what my thoughts are, especially putting them on paper.
One major thing that I think is important to share, and I know it’s not just me because someone else has also shared that they have experienced this as well.
This summer (mainly just July) I felt extremely down. I wouldn’t say depressed, but maybe?? Some days I just woke up SO sad. For the longest time I didn’t understand why. I am not a sad person, obviously I get down, but I am never usually sad for no reason. And this was way too many days of feeling down for no actual reason. If you know me, you know I am a curious one. I am one to pull it apart, then put it back together. So everyday I would ask myself why I felt the way I did. My life is MY responsibility. I think everyone needs to understand that. If I let myself be sad another day, and another, that’s up to me, and no one else. So everyday I worked towards figuring out what my body was telling me.
I began to realize that I wasn’t actually sad, it was more my BODY felt sad, so then I became sad… It’s really strange to explain. Like my cells just felt depressed, it was on a cellular level more then emotionally. It started with my cells then since I didn’t know the why it led to be emotional.
THEN FINALLY I realized it was a year later! Could my body somehow remember what had happened the year before, a literal death occurring inside my body. If there’s muscle memory why cant there be cellular memory.. It all began to make sense. I was basically just grieving again on a cellular level.
It was funny because I had noticed that I was missing my ex, not that I wanted to be back with him! But I just missed him, I just wanted a hug from him and only him, we’re not quite thaat close so I never said anything, but it felt like my body, my cells, were just craving his warm , comforting energy. You might wonder why I am sharing this all, but I am just so fascinated at how the human body works on a physical and energetic level, that I think it’s important to share these unique experiences.
One of the reasons why I am sharing this sooner than later is because I don’t want to feel that feeling every July. I believe that when you speak about your experiences it’s healing. It may hurt, and I’m not 100% confident with it, but you gotta start somewhere right. At least I’m working towards being totally ok with it all.
I know that experiences are neither negative or positive, simply what you perceive it to be. SO, if I can think and speak about this in a positive manner I can create new neurological pathways when thinking about it so that it can become a positive experience and not make me quiver at the thought of it. That is when I say it’s our choice. People used to get pissed at me because they told me I had no idea, and that they didn’t choose their situation. Trust me I understand. I didn’t chose this situation either.. BUT I CAN CHOOSE how I want to think about it. Attitude is everything.
Please know that I did not share this for sympathy, or anything like that. But I simply just want to be of help to others. I want those of you who experience it to know that it’s ok, use your support system, reach out to me, and breathe. It feels like a lifetime, but it will be over before you know it. And for those who are the support system, do not leave them alone. There’s literally death occurring inside their bodies and it’s super shitty. Just give them a hug or sit on the other end of the couch, but living, warm energy IS helpful whether or not they know it or want it.
Thank you to those that were there for me, you mean so much more than words could ever express. <3
Thanks for reading this short book.…
Lots of love always,
PS. I understand this is a controversial subject, although I don’t think anyone should bring a human into this world if they’re not ready to give 100% to their baby. However, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, so think whatever you may think, but I by no means will get into a debate about this. Hope you can understand. Lastly, if you know who my BF at the time was, please keep that to yourself to respect his privacy. xo <3