EDITED: Aug 12, 2020
I apologize if this comes off in any way that I am upset, I have grown through this and I don’t want to change what I wrote in the past. But I have fully let this go and have understood that it’s a necessary step in my life. I love each and every individual that went through this with me and I couldn’t be more grateful for them. We all tried our best <3
December 2, 2018
I guess I’ll just start with this is really hard for me. I have thought about writing this a million times, each time thinking I’ll be ready, and another month going by without writing it. Even just opening the computer makes tears rush to my eyes.
But now that I have actually started to write the tears stop. It reminds me of when Will Smith speaks about the time he went skydiving and how the whole time leading up to it he was so nervous although not actually in a dangerous situation, then the only moment when he was actually in danger (jumping out) was the moment he experienced pure bliss. What I am trying to get across is we overthink everything. I get so emotional when thinking about writing this, still emotional while writing it, but not nearly as bad as the anticipation.
I am obviously fearful of what people will think, how they will judge me as they read the following, then I instantly remind myself “it’s not about me.” If this is helpful for at least one person, whether it’s now or in the future, then all will be worth it.
I really don’t know where to start, but here goes.
A few Summers ago I found out I was pregnant. It’s funny how so many words rush through my head when I think about sharing this, then when it actually comes down to it it’s like my whole body is frozen. I am not even sad, I have learnt to be thankful for this experience but just the thought of it all seizes my chest, makes me quiver, closes my throat, and makes tears stream down my face. Seeing how I feel now who knows if I’ll actually share this. Often do I write something and it takes ages for me to click “Save & Publish”. That is when I remind myself that it is not about me.
Thankfully this year I have *or was, seeing an acting coach in Vancouver. It all kind of just worked out, she was my late aunts coach years ago and somehow she became mine this year. The world works in mysterious ways, but I have learnt so much from her. One example that replays in my head almost daily was when I was so nervous to speak on a panel talk with the senate. Thankfully I saw Dot (my coach) that morning. I told her how nervous I was and she said how it was actually selfish for me to be nervous. That really stuck with me. She explained that it wasn’t about me, and being nervous makes it about me. It’s about the audience and what they’re meant to hear. What they need to hear, being nervous is thinking about myself and not the audience. Which is what I think about when writing this.
Obviously it’s hella hard for me to say this all, but it’s not about me, its about the one person who has either experienced this, is currently going through it, or has yet to go through it, but it’s in their cards. I am here for that person. I am here for whomever needs it. I want to be so clear and convincing to you, whoever you are, if you’ve experienced this as well, or happen to in the future, know that I am here for you, and please don’t be shy to reach out.
I know that that is really the only thing someone needs, is someone to be there for them. I was even told during the whole thing that I need to be hugged. It just so happened that at the time I had gone to a massage therapist, although he was also an energy healer I guess.. He told me I just needed to be hugged. He could just feel how much I was hurting.
Anyways now that that’s out I’ll explain what happened.
June - The Pregnancy
^^ You’d never be able to tell hey!
There were a few things, one being that I always have to pee, and mood swings etc. Ok we all know I have the smallest bladder so that’s nothing new, but my mood swings/energy drops were quite extreme. I thought maybe I could have diabetes. I went to the clinic to get checked for diabetes but I also knew in the back of my head that my period was late, my boobs hurt, and I was extremely hormonal, so I asked for a pregnancy test.
The doctor literally just told me like it was nothing, then I realized ‘oh because for some people that could be good news!’ I tried so hard not to cry. I left the clinic and immediately called my boyfriend at the time. This was a Friday afternoon. A few minutes later I got home and told my mum. I actually couldn’t believe that this was my situation. My life has always just been so amazing I never really thought I would have these kinds of bumps in the road. I actually couldn’t comprehend that that was really my reality. The shitty news was enough, now having to actually deal with it..
The following Tuesday was the abortion appointment. I am beyond thankful to be as close to my mum as I am, luckily I felt comfortable telling her so she called the clinics since I was pretty in shock - since this isn’t really something you can sleep on. Friday to Tuesday had felt like a lifetime. It was the Canada Day long weekend, meaning most of my best friends were away, and parties… I am always the one to help people with their problems, not the one with a problem, or usually I can just deal with it on my own, but this one that wasn’t quite the case. I remember going for a walk with one of my best friends, sitting on a bench just staring at her, listening to whatever happened in her day just wishing I could open my mouth. When I said my throat tightens it’s like someones literally holding your throat as tight as possibly and you physically can’t open your mouth to speak. I actually just couldn’t talk about it, even though I wanted to so badly.
That weekend and the following couple weeks was the worst time in my life. My boyfriend at the time is one of the kindest, most thoughtful, and loving people out there. But I expected more. I expected him to be there for me 24/7, like physically with me the whole weekend. I honestly just needed to be held, and told to breathe through it. I have learned now to turn your expectation into appreciation. I was soooo upset with him, when he really was trying his best! I think we both learned a lot from this experience. I wont get into the details about the weekend because it’s not only mine to share. This is a 2 person story and right now you’re only hearing m