“There are no random events, nor are there events or things that exist by and for themselves, in isolation.”
The past few weeks have been some of the hardest.
I get down on myself for not knowing how to cope. To give you a visual, my life feels like a snowglobe. It was a beautiful little picture, then the death of allexanne shook up my world without me even knowing. I was fine, everything was clear, I could see where I was going and I was happy.
At the time of cleaning up all of Samras and Allexannes belongings was fine, it was tough and I was tired. But since we only had 2 days to do it I viewed it as a task. Just get it done. I didn’t cry the whole time while in Palm Springs. Only afterwards, since I’ve been home have I realized I was in a storm. I feel like that little snowglobe and I can’t see anything and I don’t know how to settle the weather. I don’t know how to settle my emotions.
During it I was just doing, I was sorting through what to keep, what to give to goodwill, and what to throw out. Now that I have had some time to reflect on what actually happened it has given me quite the negative outlook on life. So much of their stuff literally just went in the garbage. It is so devastating. Their life, just gone like that, either to goodwill to be reused or to be thrown out. It makes me wonder why I am doing anything because in the end nothing really matters. It might get reused which would be great, or it gets thrown out. All the notes I’ve taken though my schooling - unless I write a book it just gets thrown out. All of these things that you work so hard to save up for, just gets thrown out. The only thing you really take are your experiences.
Everything matters, and nothing matters. They are both true, which has just confused me, because I get so overwhelmed from everything I am doing, then I realize what’s the point in feeling stressed when none of it even matters! You live and then you die, so just have some fun. But I do truly believe we all have a purpose, and I am doing what I love, but it’s hard.
Basically I am so conflicted with everything. Sometimes I want to throw everything I own out (give it to goodwill) but then I realize well I actually am still alive so I do need it…
I usually have such a clear vision of where I am going and why I do what I do, but the passing of Al, just shook everything up and now I wonder about it all.
I guess why I am writing this is because life is hard. Life is a balancing act. Once the storm calms down I will be able to see why I am doing what I am doing again. To trust what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I deep down do know why I am doing it all, and I just have to trust that “this too shall pass”. To be consistent even when you don’t know why you are doing it.
It’s ok not to know everything. No one really knows how to grieve, which is ok. Just keep doing what you’re doing and trust you’ll get through it. But it also is so important to sit down and set a direction. The path might make a few detours but eventually you’ll get there.
I know that everyone is going through a tough time, or has already, or it’s soon to come. It’s so hard to stay positive in that moment, and by no means am I pretending I am positive. I am far from positive in this moment in time, but all you can do is to continue to do those daily disciplines, and soon enough you’ll know the reason for it all.
It’s ok to not be ok. I am usually that person to make everyone feel better because I truly am happy, but right now I am not. It’s really hard to be positive when you know that nothing really matters.
I never write these because I want people to feel for me. I write them because it is the only way I know how to cope. I can’t think of any other reason for why it’s happening except for helping someone else through it. So to be honest I actually do not want you to reach out to me, because it just makes me more sad, but thank you. I do want those of you whom are going through a tough time to know that it’s ok to not be ok. This too shall pass and it is the beauty of life. The highs and the lows, it is the contrast in a painting which makes it more beautiful. The lights and the darks. Life is a balancing act and that’s what makes it worth living.
Be open to those that are close to you so they know there’s a reason for your actions. You don’t have to deal with it on your own. Apologize for your actions but if they truly love you unconditionally they will be there for you and to trust that. I am also writing this because it is hard for me to talk about it in person. So I apologize to my loved ones if I have been distant, please be gentle with me, I am fragile.
It’s hard for me to speak out when I am not feeling great because I am literally known for being so happy all the time. Which is mostly true, but sometimes it’s not. Which is why I feel it’s important to share these times when I am not ok, because I don’t want people to wonder why they can’t be happy all the time. We all experience highs and lows, it’s your perspective which determines a situation.
I hope everyone has a beautiful day.
Lots of love