Nov 7. 2020
Dear Allexanne, Part 2.
As I’m reading the book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey, I am going through an exercise as if I was at my own funeral, and what I would want my loved ones to say about me.
They are only words about a character, and nothing about what I have accumulated. Which I have always known it’s not about what I have but what I am. This makes me think of you Al, because now I can really visualize what it would be like to be at the funeral of a loved one. And it is nothing about what you did but who you are, your laugh, your smile, your positive energy.
I thought I would mention about all the things you’ve taught me in the year and a half that you’ve been gone. As tears stream down my face, as they do at least once a week which is something I don’t speak about. I don’t cry much but at least once or twice a week a rush of emotions flow through me. I feel sadness that you’re gone so soon, but it is a constant reminder to live my absolute best life, everyday of my life, as it only takes a moment for it all to go away.
I feel confident in my power to control my emotions, but it has been very humbling, to know I can’t control as much as I thought. When you were in the hospital and Taish and I came to LA, I truly believed that if we held your hand, and gave you love you would wake up. I truly believed I had the power to do that.
Once you passed away I realized I didn’t. I felt helpless. Everything I believed I had the power to do washed away. I realized that I actually can NOT control things like that, I don’t have that kind of influence on the laws of the universe. All I can do, is change the way I think about it, and my thoughts on everything I go through.
It makes me sick thinking about it sometimes, then I quickly try to think about what you and this experience has taught me and I feel so blessed to have learnt all of this at such a young age.
By no means am I saying I’m grateful that you’re gone, but since that is something I can not control, at least I can control my perspective about the situation. I no longer take a single moment for granted. (At least I am working towards that).
I have come to understand that time is not guaranteed, but a luxury. I have washed away the illusion that just because I am young I have time. Because that is not the case. Everyday is a blessing, whether it’s raining or I am not enjoying something, it is a privilege to be alive. Nothing’s wrong with the after life I’m sure that will be great as well. But while I’m here to make the absolute most of it.
I pray you have come to appreciate all the experiences you had, whether it be positive or negative, I apologize for all that you went through, but I hope you know the influence you’ve had on my life. You inspire me everyday to do and be what I’m meant to be. I’m still not sure of that as it’s always changing, but as long as I am loving, kind, generous, thoughtful and self-less, then I will feel accomplished.
This blog is mostly a way of healing for me, and I hope you’re able to take something away from it.
The most important thing I want people to understand that every second of the day is a blessing and not to take it for granted. And it was only a phone call at 2:30am that changed my life forever. Not to get caught up with the tasks of life, not to want to skip through any moment, as it could be a life lesson, to search for whatever the golden nugget of learning might be.
It took me almost a year to get out of whatever little funk I was in. I would wake up sad everyday and felt like I was in another dimension, it felt like there was this barrier between me and the world. It was a very bizarre experience. One day in March I woke up and I realized I was out of it! It was so exciting. I am so grateful I had it, as now everything I do, I can really, passionately, from the bottom of my heart, inspire others to live their best lives RIGHT NOW.
I say have the best day of your life everyday and I truly mean it, because who knows about tomorrow!
Thanks for listening, I hope you can feel the emotion behind my words, and not wait for you to have a tragic experience before you start living your absolute best life.
Lots of love
Nov 20. 2020
Classic me, never quite being ready to share my words right after I write them. It takes time to digest it, since I am sharing my healing process, and not years later.
One thing I wanted to mention which I think is so valuable; last Tuesday I had an acting class, and we got into a little bit of how I feel towards this experience and what I realized is although I might have a strength in controlling my emotions and keeping myself in a good mood always, that doesn’t necessarily mean I am coping with it properly. I could be pushing these emotions down instead of letting them out. So that is something that I am aware of now, sitting with the sadness and letting it flow through me instead of pushing it away quickly and trying to snap out of it.
It doesn’t make it easier knowing how uncomfortable it makes other people feel. It’s hard to truly express how you feel without making others uncomfortable.
I remember it was a girlfriends birthday dinner the night of Allexannes anniversary. I thought I would be fine, until that morning came and I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was so nervous to go to the dinner, incase I couldn’t keep it in and didn’t want to be ‘that girl’ or ruin her birthday. Luckily I had an audition the next day, so I had a great excuse not to have any drinks. Low key keeping in mind that if I had a drink I might cry…
I was fine at the dinner and I had a great time! It was good to be out with friends. Looking back I realize if I felt the need to share I should have. If you’re not ok you’re not ok. And if they’re true friends they’ll support you. Which mine so would have if I gave them the opportunity.
The most important thing in life are your loved ones, life goes by in a blink, don’t spend it focussing on the mundane distractions. Focus your time and energy on creating beautiful experiences, as memories are all that we take with us.
Anyways! Happy Days!
Yesterday I felt much better, I taught my first art class and felt exuberant afterwards!! And this morning had a great kick boxing session :)
Lots of love always!!
For the Story See: Cleaning out the Closet