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My Greatest Struggle

“Wherever you are, be ALL there.”

-Jim Elliot

I think the hardest thing for me to do is to just be.

I always feel like I need to be doing something. They say your greatest weaknesses can be your greatest strengths and vice versa. I tell myself that having a hard time doing nothing is ok because it makes me hella productive. So that’s how I justify it, although I also know how important it is to rest and recharge. I think it is extremely impressive when someone can just be.

I am constantly trying to work on myself, and to me that means by doing something measurable.

  • Drawing - working on my skills and creativity.

  • Editing - again skills and creativity, and making it work for me.

  • Writing - ‘emptying my bucket’ brainstorming, self-awareness, gratitudes.

  • Reading - Always personal development books

  • Fitness - strength, flexibility, mindset

  • Nutrition - properly fuelling my body

The list goes on of all the things I do to work on myself, but recently I have realized that a way I can grow is to actually just be, and not do. I have been telling myself for years that it is OK to relax, it is OK to do nothing. Obviously I have known that it is unhealthy the way I speak to myself when I feel I am being unproductive. I know it is something I need to change, but I never actually done anything about it. This is the first time in years I have let myself watch tv guilt free (still not even 100% guilt free but its a work in progress!)

Being in Australia I often feel like I should be with people, creating relationships, memories, etc. I feel like society makes you feel like you should be with people all the time, and it’s odd to want to just be alone. I have these conversations in my head because realistically I just want to be on my own, have a chill night, read, write, draw, etc. Then I somehow convince myself that thats a waste of time and I ‘should’ be with people. That I’m here to meet people. But honestly I think theres a certain power that comes with being alone. Feeling alone is not the same as feeling alone. Fortunate for me, I don't feel alone when I’m alone.

What I have come to realize is that everyone is just really different! My sister is extremely outgoing and always out, and that works for her! I love people and I would say I am fairly outgoing too, but to be honest, I really enjoy chill nights… and days and mornings.. lol. I love the odd night out, but its sort of like how different diets work for different people, some people need to be around people, and others need more time alone. Personally I work best when I take the time to recharge on my own.

One thing that I have actually been working on, believe it or not, I know it will sound strange, but is watching TV or a movie (netflix) on my own.. For years I really haven’t watched much TV. The only times I really watch movies are on planes, or with family/friends (which still wasn’t often.) When my family put movies on I would usually leave and go to my room to read, write, draw, or paint. I basically brainwashed myself that TV was bad, always. No exceptions. A couple years ago I even cried after watching a movie.. it wasn't a sad movie.. I cried because I was so upset with myself that I had spent my time watching a movie when I could have spent it doing something productive.

I understand that that was unhealthy, but I just couldn’t justify watching tv to myself. I would then tell myself that I am building and strengthening connections/ relationships with people and its ok if we watch a movie together. Still could never watch anything on my own! But at least I felt I could justify watching something with someone else, so that I didn’t totally isolate myself.

Literally only in this past month have I started to watch a series on my own, basically the first one since 1st year Uni.. Ya pretty weird I know. Even now I genuinely kind of force myself to watch it. It’s the weirdest thing. But now I tell myself I am watching it for the acting (since I want to get into acting) so technically I am kind of studying? But hey somehow it works! I know this is a strange concept, but if I can’t justify it to myself then I literally can’t watch it.

So as I am learning to just be, one of those things is actually to watch Netflix. To tell myself it is actually ok to not be doing something.


My biggest intention for this year is to be present. To whole heartedly live in the Now. To not guilt myself if I think I am being unproductive. To simply enjoy that moment of peace instead of mentally abusing myself. Our thoughts create the world - so be careful how you chose to think. Even the smallest thought has the power to move mountains.

I just started watching Kyle Cease - he teaches you to love your thoughts, even the negative ones. Instead of focusing on letting go of something, to simply just say ‘I love that.’ For example instead of getting down on yourself for not being over someone or something, whatever negative thought it is - instead of wishing it away, simply just say “and I love that." Love is the most powerful thing in our world. If you learn to love everything, even the negative thoughts/emotions, then naturally you will release it, instead of having to focus on releasing it.

Watch Kyle Cease - The Big Talk, its funny and SO insightful.

Good luck loves, cheers to working towards your best self.



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